JOURNAL

Weird ramblings and rants.

Is nostalgia a mercy? Everything feels different to before. Maybe because I’m an adult and I lack a childs perspective or Maybe because I always look back to my life, good or bad, with nostalgia? Nostalgia is a LIAR but yet, I never seem to learn from it. I look back and yearn and hate my life then the next year I look back, yearn and hate my life. I miss the past and live in fear because I don’t believe I’ll make it past the present. I’ve done it though. Time and time again, I hold this unwavering faith in myself that only shows up when I hit rock bottom. I call it my reserve confidence. So deep down, although it feels like I’ll never make it past today, I always do. That’s why nostalgia is a fucking liar. It coerces me to forget the hardship and believe life is easy but perhaps, this is our way of coping. Nothing in life goes our way so our mind compensates by giving us a version that is true to some extent but cheekily leaves out key parts, to cope, to make life seem liveable not survivable. Is it nostalgia that makes me forget? It’s not fair that I forget but my body lives with the residue. I see it in the way I walk and talk but couldn’t even tell you why I am the way I am. I love you nostalgia but why? Why me? I am a fragmented person hoping one day I shall be whole again. That maybe life will be the way it was. And now we’re going in circles, because I don’t even remember what life was. Is the image I hold in my brain true? What does it feel like when you betray yourself? Is it fair to be a human? If I knew, would I get back up. When you feel like someone so capable and fine but simultaneously, you’re someone who can’t function in this world but you stop just short of extreme so it isn’t serious. Pain doesn’t register to others unless it’s catastrophic. But who am I to blame others? Many of the living are vague and adrift too, it isn’t a failing unique to the departed and unfortunately, I cannot speak since everyone struggles. You lock yourself in the house but it’s fine because at least it isn’t your room. You barely eat but it’s fine since you are eating sometimes. This is my way of coping alone, without anyone knowing because if they asked me what was wrong, I’d go silent since I don’t know. What do I know? All I know is collapse and get back up. I think unless I truly mean what it learns to love. To be with another person and to exist within their realm. To not shrink in their presence and to not swallow half of my words before my lips even part- I can’t live with another. I can’t because it would be torture to try and understand another person when I am yet to understand myself. But that’s the problem. We’re ever evolving and ever learning so I’ll never truly know myself so how do I expect to know another. And I know that I’ll be the one to bend and contort to accommodate that person’s needs even if they don’t ask since I only know love by disappearance. Im so tired of self-erasure
I shall reach my end,
glad of life
and glad of death.

For we rejoice
once we rejoin
the earth to which we shall return.

We shall entangle with the roots,
we shall dance with the worms,
rejoicing at death’s arrival

for life is only sweet
Since death
is guaranteed Am I the Banana Tree, which dies only after bearing fruit? Will I finally recognise myself as I am resolved in Earth once more, glad of my death and glad of my life? Or am I more the citrus tree, blooming copiously in stress, which blooms one last time before all is seemingly lost? Will I recover once the burden fades? If I choose death, am I to experience an impassioned flowering before it arrives? Will I die, being sure of my contributions in this life? Will I die glad of my life, more glad than my death? Or would I rather be an apple tree? It crops depending on the type of year it’s having; and as its fruitfulness ebbs with time, it does so slowly, taking in the world it provided for and loved enough to remain for. If I am to die, let it be after giving, after blooming, after staying.
P.S. – Don’t tell the citrus tree that flowering doesn’t always lead to fruit. It's so funny the way life works. I was just thinking about Africa. Africa,my beloved, how you have been quite literally ravaged and pillaged and now right under our noses we're going thru another round of colonialism because everybody knows Africa has always been the Past, future and present. That's why I say life is funny- because everything is intentional and the fact that Africa is the 'richest' country when it comes to most things and yet it's Denizens are suffering and see NOTHING of the proceeds is not without reason. The fact that most of our goverments are corrupt is not without reason. The fact that every person who's about to bring about real change is flattened is not without reason. They like us weak, malleable and reliant. I wanna write something on the current neo-colonial powers in Africa but right now, we shall speak about the discovery of oil in Somalia.
Turkey has reportedly discovered 20 billion barrels of crude oil in Somalia. Now, what does that mean for us as somalis and Africans? Well, at the moment to me it represents hope but doesn't really mean that much because A) Will we be the ones to really benefit? It grants the Turkish energy authorities around 95 percent of the rights for Somalia’s oil and gas output. So what benefit does that have to us. A key part of the deal is that Somalia gets zero oversight, so cost recovery only ends when Turkey says it does. Turkey controls all the numbers, and Somalia has no legal way to challenge any of it. And unfortunately, the corruptt goverment will pocket what little money is left over. Others are saying different, that this is a strategic move by Somalia in securing it's future oil wealth. I just urge everyone to see the systemic exploitation of neo-colonialism.

URGHHHHH! I have my exams soon and I am totally unprepared but I'm weirdly calm like the sense of panic hasn't doomed yet. Idk I always have this feeling in the back of my mind that I'm gonna be just fine. The only thing that really worries me is dissapointing the people around me, especially my parents and I don't think that will ever truly dissapear but I think I've realised the importance of me. I realised the mindest I had was extremely harming because as long as I took care of everybody else I was fine which led to self-neglect. The most disposable person in my life was me. Is me. IDK? It doesn't really get you far being a people pleaser and the only person who ends up getting hurt is YOU!🫵 I had my job interview and tbf it was alright but I really don't think I'm getting the job since the interviewer was a middle-aged white guy. Anyways, this summer when I'm finally free, I'm gonna read as many books as I possibly can butttt I need to save money for uni.

ramadan and eid have come and gone :))

I seem positively crazy and paranoid in my previous journal posts soooo i've realised I should write about other things too. I'm extremely excited since its ramadan in a few days and you can practically feel it in the air. Everything's looking up since the weather is turning and the flowers are blooming too!!🌸🌷🌻. I'm going to go to a cafe tomorrow with a friend to revise and hopefully get some footage on my camcorder. I don't really Know why I record since I never post my videos anywhere so I just think of it as a life-long project... Anyways, current reads are: Legends of the condor heroes 2; A bond undone. Finally found this book at the library by chance, I read the first book agessss ago so I might need to refresh my memory a bit. I've seen there's a series too so I might watch that and I'm hoping to read The long song by Andrea levy. I'll update with a review on both

My website is finally taking shape! I dont really know what to put on the homepage yet but i've added a virtual stamp collection and im hoping to add a bit of information about each country underneath. I don't really know what this website is about yet but I do know that I feel that social media is not the place for me since it perpetues inequalities,sterotypes and is overall a very toxic place whixh sometimes feels like the ultimate echo chamber.It feels like the goal is to pump out people with no indiviuality whatsover. I hope to express myself and the topics i'm passionate about here. Also, there are many weird things going on right now and all my alarm bells are screaming at me to notice it. Everything in the world feels just about poised for change what with trump being elected but I think these things have been developing over time. We were just none the wiser.

Is this a part of the human condition? To exist in a state of perpetual longing. Humans are inherently greedy creatures; as we’ve proven time and time again. I dont think we’re necessarily born evil but we carry darkness within us. I truly, wholeheartedly believe if there was a way to access humans consciousness, a lot of the world’s problems could be solved. If we saw how others really think for one day would it be for the better or the worse? Then again, humanity’s darker side would grab hold and manipulate such innovations for profit👺 Everything is perfectly curated in a system that drip-feeds us just enough chaos; numbing us to it so we become compliant. It’s reliant on the fact that we’re not comfortable but rather accustomed to this disorder they have crafted to distract us. Greed has made us evil and stupid. This is exactly what they want. My mind is consumed thinking about what will happen. A recipe for disaster. People see these changes happening right before them yet they feel helpless in the face of it. I would like to explore this phenomenon further by exploring similar timelines in the past; it’s like they say- Those who cannot remember the past are doomed to repeat it. I will research the mindsets of people during those times periods taking into account the recent technological advancements.

Curious and curioser. I often think that the negativity that fills my journals shapes the way I am but then again you could only class it as 'negative' depending on whose reading it. I don't want to seem pessimistic but the biggest dilemna for me will always be how could such beauty and pain coexist in a world like this and yet I experience both on a daily basis . I wholeheartedly believe I'm not a miserable person but rather someone who experiences a range of different emotions and sometimes, yes when i'm feeling misery and desolation it feels like I've been sad for the entirety of my life and maybe that isnt really normal but who even knows what is normal anymore. What on earth does it mean to be a normal person when we havent even experienced how other people, when we haven't even explored the depths of other humans let alone ourselves. This is why I'm always confused because I'm constantly asking myself what type of person am I? or Am I crazy or normal? Like there's a litmus to compare it to :/// I say I should just sit back and simply be but my whole existence does not allow me to. Will I be questioning myself for the remainder on my life?
If I'm alive and awake, yes I shall.